I woke up in the middle of the night and found Jay crying. It was little quiet sobs. I didn’t realize he was crying until a little after wards. I was playing with my teddy bear that I gave him, and then held it, then hug it tight in his chest. It happened several times and he would do that and wipe away his tears then breathe.

When i finally opened my eyes, he saw me and whispered softly the three little words’ “I love you.” I then realized i saw a message he left me. It read “I watched JUST GO WITH IT. At first i thought it was weird, then half way through the movie I thought of you. Then after that I watch you sleep. Oh honey I love you so much. :* “

I dont know but through the message, and seeing him cry himself to sleep without wanting me to know twisted my heart in knots. I love him dearly. Distance is so hard. I kept asking him what was wrong and he said for me to go to sleep. When I refused he told me he missed me “its too long for me, since i get to see you around. I imagine the day at the air port, the days i spent at your school, just so it feels like youre around. I wanna be with you.” and then other stuff.

I wish we’re not so far a part. I wish we can just get married now and live together forever. Why is it so hard? we are like two little leaves that want to  be together but every time we get near each other the wind blows and we’re apart or we reach the water and the waves pull us apart. I hope things work out well. I need to see him again. I am breaking and he is the only thing that can put me back together.

all of us go together and hung out. First we went to the pool. Then we all went inside to eat and then played games. I feel lonely. Mimi was hanging on to Brian, Danny and Rachel were smiling and hanging out and stuff… although there were other single people, watching couples make me feel so sad and lonely. I know I put on a smile and had fun, which was true—- i did have fun. I needed to get out of the house, but then now that I am alone again, it really hits me. All the things I thought would happen this summer all flew away and gone like the middle of winter. All the things I thought would happen won’t. I know other people might have it worst than I do, but right now I feel like people can’t really judge me because they don’t understand my situation and they haven’t walked in my shoes.

The thing is, he doesn’t understand. I don’t know when I’ll get to see him next, I don’t know things anymore. It’s all too complicated now. Life there and life here. I need to know if this is going to work out. Sometimes I don’t know and I’m unsure and I let my feelings get the best of me. I think I’ve cried so much this past month that I don’t feel the saltiness in my tears anymore. I don’t know if it is because I’m used to tasting it or what but right now it seems to me that I’m much more sensitive than I used to be. I wish things were easier sometimes. But if it is easy, can it still be worth it?

what's been bothering me, so I can get it out and feel better.... I hope. I just want to put my thoughts into words so that later on, i can read back and remember.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Jason's mom drove here with her bf a couple weeks ago from Calif. Then he flew back and she was staying with her friend. She's been looking for a place to work and stay but since she doesnt have good credit, she can't rent any place. So then she came to visit Jay and stuff, and she's been going back and forth from here to Winston Salem and Greensboro for a place to stay and see her son. A few days ago she decided to drive back to Louisiana to see her other son, Jay's brother Quy (Eric). She told Jay that she doesn't want him staying with other people anymore and she wants to start over with the family. As of Monday, May 9th, 2011--- she and Jay's dad got divorced. She made Jay go with her to drive back to Louisiana and get his brother and then come back here and live.

Jay doesnt know how long they will be gone. Perhaps a month or two.... but the thing is... their car is packed. Barely any room for the two of them since she drove here from Calif and her stuff is with her... then all of Jay's stuff is in the car too because she made him get it. This is what I think:

1. If she planned on coming back here, then why in the world would she make Jay get all of his stuff from pastor's house? Regardless the fact that she said she does not want people to know where they would live or come back--- Jay still didnt need to put all of his stuff in the car then bring it back anyway? Because that would take up the space that could hold his other stuff from his old house in Louisiana.
2. His mom even made him bring his keyboard which is huge and has a box and the display stand and stuff... in the car... his brother also have a bunch of stuff... where would there be space for all of them?
3. If they are coming back soon, why did she call me and ask if I wanted to see him before he leaves, show up at my house, ate dinner with my mom, and gave me a picture of him when he was a baby?
4. Jay at first said she will be okay driving by herself... because she will come back with his brother anyway.... so he will see her then. But that's not the case
5. You can't just leave when you want. It's when the lease ends... you can't just decide and go, and even if you do that, there's a fee. As far as I know... that family does not the extra money for fee...
6. I heard from a really good source that his brother has a new gf there, a steady job that pays about $1000 a month at least... he can take care of himself... and when he moves here, there is no job and this is the hometown of his ex gf who took his money and cheated on him. Hence: he hates this place... that means he's not gonna wanna move here.

So there are other points which I cant think of right now. But his mom also said that if he wants to come back soon, then she will buy him a ticket. I don't really believe her because she also said that she will buy him a ticket to get him to come here but guess what? She didnt and the person who bough him a ticket here in the first place was me. Secondly, I talked to his best friend and Nam told me to stop being so naive because he thinks that she's lying and they're going to be there for a long time.

It breaks me and scares me to death. All of his stuff is with him and idk what to do anymore.... Because that means idk when I'll see him again. IDK IDK IDK but whatever it is, i hope it's soon. I trust him... I have to. I trust that he will be back before summer ends otherwise this summer I'm going to be miserable.

 

     At the beginning, there were complications and it was hard for us to develop feelings for each other, but sure enough, the more we talked, the more our feelings began to intertwine. It was like more and more feelings we added one day after another... before I could even realize it... I knew I was falling for you. We had our fights that separated us for a period of time. But to be completely honest, though I would often say "I'm over it..." I wasn't... in my mind you were there, and I would think about you more often than I wanted to.
      Things happened... and because I realized the feelings I had for you are much greater than a crush on a boy I met three years ago. We found each other again and through a period of time talking, we were both falling again. The word love had never meant so much before. This time, it was uncomfortable... when i see your name online, my heart would race, when I hear your voice, it was the sound I'd long to hear, your laugh alone brought me joy this summer, and every time I see your face, even if it was through skype--- my heart stopped.... I had difficulty breathing and I just couldn't help but smile. As soon as we hang up, I would feel so alone, as if no one is there anymore, no one gets me like you do-- no one can make me feel the same.
    Fate once again brought us back together. We've had many many hardships together... and though the road we're on aren't always smooth, and there are bumps from time to time... please always know that you have my heart. I pray that the future works out the way we'd dream or even better. But what I know now, and I hope you know, and hope that you feel the same--- is that I love you, and that’s something that will never change.

I go to school and live in dorms, I come home on the weekends. I do my homework, my mom doesn't even pay for my college, I have a full scholarship. I have a job. I do work at church, I volunteer, I get awards, I do my chores, and I give people respect and carry my responsibilities.

My boyfriend goes to work six days a week. I get to see him for a few hours at church, which basically consist of sitting next to each other and listen to sermon, done and go home. We've been dating for four months and we've had two dates. TWO.

And this next week, I get home early from school because of Easter break. So I get Thursday and Friday and the weekend off. Usually I work Thursdays even if there's break. This week my boss said i could take it off. Since the weekend is usually busy, I told Jay we should hang out Thursday since I get that day off. So he asked for off work and with his boss, it's usually not a likely idea. But she let him.

So when I asked my mom if he can come over Thursday, she said no. I asked why and she said I can just see him at church. So many other days when she ask if I'm okay I just tell her it sucks I don't have an opportunity to see him. He doesnt have money or car so going out is a bad idea, so we want to save money and walk around the neighborhood, watch a movie, cook a meal together and eat ice cream. But no, she said I can just see him at church. Which is again, only sitting next to each other and listen to sermon. You don't know asian parents, or adults, and our church is very very small. Everyone knows about everyone and everyone talks. So we don't do anything, consists of holding hand or even hug.

So might as well be friends, right? She has no reasons to not let me hang out with him. I told her--- Mom PLEASE i don't ever ever get to hang out with him. She told me to be quiet and the more i say the more it's going to be a definite No. I am not a bad kid, if you know me I've always been known as the goody goody. My brother will be home as well, so it's not like we're alone. He's been over to my house before, it's not like he hasn't.

She always bug in my ear about how Tai always show up and give Nancy flowers for their anniversary and take her out once or twice a week. Then I'm like WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS? To make me suffer that it's not the same with us? But of course I didn't say that because then I would get slap in the face. She likes Jay, I know that. But I just don't understand why she's doing this without thinking. She wouldnt even let me talk. It makes me so mad I cried.